New effing Jersey

With Jimmy’s haunting Black Country Brooklyn accent ringing in our ears we headed back to the hotel. Parts of my attire needed half an hour or so in front of a warm hair dryer before we attacked the afternoon. A little rain will not defeat us! There’s no such thing as bad weather, it’s just bad clothing choices that cause the problems. I went out dressed for battle. Attired head to toe in Goretex I would not be defeated. 

We were going to do what real men do when the going gets tough. We were going shopping! But no ordinary shopping. We were heading to New Jersey where sales tax is lower and AirPod 4’s have $30 off in Best Buy Hoboken. One problem, all trains to Hoboken are cancelled. We board the rail replacement bus service and continue our journey.


Our bus has 3 stops Exchange Place, The Mall and Hoboken. Best Buy is located between the mall and Hoboken. It’s not ideal but somehow a perfect storm, literally the heavens have opened again as we arrive in Hoboken by bus. Let the chaos begin:

  • The little lady, who clearly is allergic to water and exercise, immediately bails and gets the next bus to the mall.
  • I’m a MAN and official walking wanker. I will not be defeated. I’ll simply hike to Best Buy. I check the map. The quickest route is across a rail yard surrounded by razor wire. The road would be fine if there were pavements. Pavements have been removed by President Trump. No one walks in Trump’s America.
  • I am defeated. I get a taxi. There then follows 15 mins of intellectual conversation about the effing transport effing authority and the effing station effing closure. Oh that effing New effing Jersey effing charm!
  • 15 mins $15 plus tip. Basically it’s cost me $20. But let’s not forget. I’m saving $30 on some AirPods. 
  • PING the little lady is in the mall. “I’ve just found Macy’s… they have handbags” eff my effing life! 
  • The driver tells me to have an effing nice effing day and I enter Best Buy. 
  • Best Buy is just like Currys but they hate customers even more. The place looks like it’s just been looted in the riots. But it’s cheap! 
  • AirPods located, I check the price. Same as Apple no discount. Oh! I check the price on the app. Same as Apple no discount. I ask an assistant. Great the effing discount was last week. I can pay effing full price or eff off. 
  • I decide to eff off, in a huff. I’ve lost half my afternoon to travel. $20 in a taxi. And I’ve bought an effing Prada handbag. I’m gonna cut my losses and walk to the mall. In an effing monsoon. 
  • Luckily no rail yard to cross. Just an eight lane highway into the Holland Tunnel. Oh the fun I had! I didn’t for a second think I was going to die. I didn’t get told by the police, via a loud hailer from a truck that I was jay walking. I didn’t have to walk a mile out of my way to find a crossing. I didn’t have to divert because the pavement and road were flooded. I didn’t have to circumnavigate the entire effing mall because the only apparent entrance was exclusively for effing cars!
  • I arrived to meet my darling wife looking like I’d just swam to Hoboken across the Hudson River and then been run over. “
  • Do you want to see what I’ve bought???” She said excitedly. I punched her!!


The rest of the day was only improved by a burger. Shake Shack’s finest. Yum. I mean we did eat it surrounded by the homeless and a gang of youths who looked super friendly. I know because I unintentionally followed some of them into the rest rooms. I’m not sure what happened next because I went about my business whilst the gentleman all “disappeared” into cubicles. There were two cubicles and multiple gentleman. I know what you’re thinking in your perverted little minds. But you’re wrong.  My money is on some sort of activity involving what i refer to as “the drugs”.. or as the kids on the street call it:


Angel Powder; Angie; Animals; Audi; Aunt Nora; Azucar; Baby Powder; Barrato; Basuco; Bazooka; Beach; Belushi; Bernie's Flakes; Bernie's Gold Dust; Big Bloke; Big C; Big Flake; Big Rush; Billie Hoke; Bird; Birdie Powder; Blanca Nieves; Blanco; Blast; Blizzard; Blonde; Blocks; Blow; BMW; Bobo; Bolitas; Bolivian Marching Powder; Bombita; Bouncing Powder; Brisa; C-Dust; Caca; Cadillac; California Pancakes; Calves; Candy; Car; Carney; Carrie Nation; Cars; Case; Cebolla; Cecil; Cement; Charlie;


For a complete list of what the kids call it click here.


I completed my Aunt Nora purchase and returned to my burger. 


We made our excuses and left the mall before night fall arrived and with it, I dunno, even more unscrupulous characters. 


The journey home via the one way only, circular rail replacement bus service was as pleasurable as it sounds. Including an incident where we had to leave the bus at the end of its circular journey. Because them's the rules. We walked 10 metres to the start of the buses next circular trip. The same bus and bus driver then pulls up 30 seconds later and welcomes us aboard like he’s never seen us before. Utter madness. 


When we finally got back to our hotel room, we hit the sack hard! Now written down that sounds rude. But you're the one who has made this awkward. I went to sleep very quickly is what I’m saying. It must have been the effect of the Blind Squid; Cat Valium; Green; Honey Oil; Jet; K; Keller; Kelly's Day; K-Hold; K-Ways; Special K; Vitamin K… that’s Ketamine to you Grandma. It’s horse tranquilliser. The kids in ‘da hood’ love it!  


I awake from my hallucinogenic slumber at 4am the next day. By 7am a blog is written and published to my adoring fans, kids have been dropped off at the pool and we are in the diner ready to refuel with lard for the day ahead. I know you truly believe that I’m a greedy fat bastard but this behemoth of a breakfast ended up being my only meal of the day. Admittedly it contained all the calories I needed for the week. But… whatever. 


Today is a cool, crisp and sunny morning as we headed to Battery Park and the Statue of Liberty. Let me rephrase that. The temperature, with officially stated wind chill, was -13C. I was wearing more RAB than Go Outdoors have on the shelves. Even I did not consider this to be "shorts weather". The wind on exiting the subway station was so strong at times you just had to stop and let it die down as walking against it wasn’t really an option. The plan now was to get on a boat and if we don’t sink, climb to the top of a massive statue. Which idiot made this plan?!! 


At least we didn’t have to queue for ages in the freezing wind and cold to get through security before boarding the boat. The scene reminded me of those penguins stood in their thousands on a beach in Antarctica. A bit like that, but effing colder. Let’s just remind ourselves that this is my idea of fun. Who needs a sun lounger, palm trees and cocktails!? Let’s also pause for a moment to remember my long suffering wife. The only reason we were here was because I wanted to climb the Statue of Liberty. She wasn’t even going inside. For her this was a trip to a tacky gift shop clinging to an icy rock full of bloody tourists and foreigners. Oh well, what a lucky woman she is to be married to me. 


Having stripped naked for security and re-dressed, we board the boat for our crossing. The sea is “choppy”. We share a moment of regret that we don’t have any children with us to vomit and ruin the journey and high five. On arrival I run off into the warmth of the statue, leaving the old penguin on a bench to enjoy the weather. 


It’s safe to say that not many Americans make the journey to the top of this icon. Mainly because the steps are steep and narrow and so not really designed for the fatties. It’s 377 steps from ground to crown. Obviously, no match for my impressive calves. I reach the pedestal in no time and venture out to admire the views, catch my breath and check my heart rate. Hmm 171 beats per minute, impressive! … my official maximum heart rate as calculated by deducting my age from 220 is …. Probably 180 so … all perfectly safe! 


My calves power on up the spiral, near vertical, staircase to the top leaving lesser mortals in my wake. The crown when it arrives is pretty cool. Just me and eventually a mother and her lad up here. We take pictures for each other, sharing in the glory of reaching the coolest trig point in New York and jump on the helter-skelter to slide down to the bottom.  The whole experience was over so quickly the little lady had barely slipped into a hypothermic coma by the time I returned. We headed to the gift shop to secure an “I’ve climbed the Statue of Liberty hoodie”… what do you know?… they don’t do them in my size. Apparently not many people of my size and stature make it to the top. Weak Americans!


I know what you’re thinking at this point. Yesterday’s blog was funnier than this! And you are correct. I can only apologise for not meeting an insane Brooklyn brummie everyday! This is my holiday, it’s not just for your effing entertainment. 


Having a lovely time, wish you were here!



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